Sanity vs Holidays

And I said that I will not tolerate seven weeks of him sitting there on the computer, whining and yelling about how unfair it is that he doesn't win every, single, time.

OMFG it's the school holidays. He has no friends. He doesn't intend to leave the house. His idea of a holiday is to be on the computer for 18 hours a day, eat occasionally, and sleep sporadically.

Young Curly has been a teenager for one.whole.month and already I've had enough.

I've threatened a camp. Just to get him off the computer and out of the house. To get him out of earshot, mostly.  In my most vengeful moment, I've imagined a SPORTS camp. Bwahahaha. No. I couldn't really do that to him.**

Sigh.

Nothing has really interested him at school this year. Hopefully Year 9 with a few elective subjects will be better. As for the lack of friends, he's doing exactly what his big brother did - attempting to hang out with big bro's friends. Why are they never satisfied with age peers? Why are the older kids always looked up to? OK, don't bother answering that. I know. I know.

At least the olders aren't bad role models. They just enjoy, well, being older, and proving it by giving the youngsters a hard time. Then the youngsters try harder to fit in, and oh. damn. Why do the youngsters make it hard for themselves?

Anyway. So Curly's idea of being grown up is to win on computer games.

He is actually good. Even the older group grudgingly agree about that. It's just the tanties when he doesn't win that nobody likes.

At what age do people*** realise that 'winning' isn't everything? That being a good team member is important too? That having a go and improving is a worthwhile goal? That internet gaming the world is not a level playing field, and you can't expect it to be. That you often 'lose' for reasons beyond your control? That 'get over it' is a fair comment.

Right. Seven. Long. Weeks.

I can picture it being an endless loop of me talking myself blue in the face trying to get through to him, and he telling me that I know nothing.

I know that one day it will sink in, so I have to do it, and keep doing it.
Will my sanity last the distance?


** Medical reasons - mono vision means crap at ball sports, and heat is a major eczema trigger
*** People. Not kids, not teenagers. People.

Birthday Party

It's two weeks post-birthday, and the party is still not organised. No present yet either.

It used to be easy - set the birthday budget, invite the same three or four friends for pizzas, movies, and a sleepover, spend the remainder on items from the always-growing list of 'must have' Xbox games and books. Done.

He's 17. Things have changed. There is a wider social circle, and girls involved.

We ask questions about what he wants to do - actually we started doing this a month ago.

What do you want to do for your birthday party this year?
Dunno. Have some people over.

Coming up to birthday weekend -
Have you invited anyone?
Ah, no. Well, some can't come.
OK, well how about next weekend?
Yeah, ok.
And what do you want as a present?
Ah, dunno.

OK, so he ended up having a cake on his actual birthday. Nothing else was organised. No way would I buy an unsolicited birthday present for a teenage Aspie. It'll have to wait.

The following week -
What do you want to do for your party?
Umm, have some people over, and maybe a couple can sleep over.
OK, so can you invite them?
Yeah.

Have you invited anyone?
Yeah, ah, no. Some can't come this weekend.
Right, so how about the following week, the long weekend?
I'll check.

The following week, and we're starting to pressure him -
Saturday or Sunday?
Err, everyone is doing different things, and none of the days work.
OK, well Sunday then.
OK.

Friday afternoon -
How many people are coming? 'Cos I need to go shopping and get drinks and munchies and stuff.
I dunno.
Well, how many have you invited?
Everyone.
How many is that?
I dunno. Should I phone them?
Yes, please. I need to know how many are coming so that I can shop. Have you told them when?
No.
Ohhhh K. (plucking numbers from the air) Tell them 7 'til 11.
Right.

Saturday morning, now.
I've still got no idea. He's been doing all this on his phone.
I'm longing for the good old days, when I could just phone his friends' parents. Now I don't even know half of the friends, let alone the parents.

More coffee.
I'll have to sit Dreamer down and not let him move until he tells me who he's invited, and what he's told them. If he remembers.
Then off to buy the supplies.

I still have no idea about a present.

End of Semester Review

Six months ago, Dreamer was a bit of a mess. Dragged his feet out of bed each morning, off to school (usually late, because he'd get distracted and not have his shoes on when it was time to go), arrive home, fall on the bed, sleep. Nagged awake, nagged into the shower, he'd stay there through dinner time, and be out in time to microwave re-heat his food and eat alone. Sleep, rinse and repeat.

Ugh.

We found a nice psychiatrist, to help with his disability pension application, and she promptly diagnosed him (on top of his ADHD and Aspergers) with major depression and OCD, and talked him into trying an SSRI
(Zoloft).

He was rapt. He thought it was more than wonderful. He's only missed about two days since February, which is amazing considering he has the attention span of a goldfish.

He told me that the kids at school were rapt that he started talking back to them. His social life has improved ridiculously. Amazing what happens when you actually talk to people.

I've been enjoying the change so much, so happy to see him happy, and thrilled to have him going out and doing normal, teenage, social things. For the first time in his life.

I suppose I knew that we'd have to address the academic issue eventually, but no way was I going to slam down on his new social life to have him catch up on school work. One thing at a time...I wanted him to enjoy his new-found confidence and self-esteem first.

So this week is end of semester exam block, and I can see the reality-check hitting him over the head. He's probably an inch shorter each day when he gets home from school.

I don't know, maybe he thought that with everything going so well, he'd magically pass his exams, and his assignments would magically get done in 10 minutes.

Uhuh. I'll wait for the report card next month, but my feeling is that the marks will be better (as he's been more available for learning in class), but they won't be pass marks. I haven't actually seen him doing any assignment work or homework.

Current status:
Social life - big tick
Happy and confident teenager - tick (except for exam week).

Next priority:
Getting the OCD out of the house.
Maybe in the holidays I'll help him sort out his room, and possibly even throw away some of the junk thats so 'precious'. There are things lurking in the cupboard that have been there for eight years - paperclips, silver paper and other 'shiny things' that were the collectables of the day back in Grade Four.

We could symbolise some fresh starts. Change some habits. He has admitted that (since medication) he doesn't have to do things, but is doing them from habit. Some days he's fabulous, and others he slips back into old habits. 

We could also do some work on timetables. Previous attempts have been abject failures. That'd be something to do with the fact that you actually have to read them (not put them away under a stack of books), and keep track of time.

Next semester:
Academics. Making attempts on things that have been brick walls for so long that he's afraid to even try. It's going to take bucket-loads of encouragement. And reminders. And probably timetables.

Do you think I could get a 'My Frontal Lobe' app for his phone? Because mine is sorely over-taxed.

Hard Mode Social Stories

For years, Dreamer has been your average geeky, aspie, introvert - rarely talking, definitely not to strangers, only comfortable in the company of a few chosen friends. Yes, I know the geeky girls adopted him, but that was because he was tall, handsome, and distant. A safe bet. They would talk to him, and adore him from afar, even though he was monosyllabic in response.

After starting on an SSRI a few months ago, he's become positively garrulous. And funny, and cheeky (in a eye-twinkling way). Overnight, I have a 17 year old son who is being social but hasn't a clue.

Last weekend he arrived home at 2am and 1am respectively. Friday night he went with his brother Speedy to a board and card games night. Speedy had organised transport home, but the driver, being geeky, had begun a new game and wanted to finish, so they were later than expected. Fine.

Saturday was another matter altogether. I dropped him at the local library, where he was going to borrow some books, study a bit without sibling distractions, play some DS, and catch a bus home when the library shut at 3pm.

At 5pm, I phoned him:
"Where are you?"
"I'm at (couple of suburbs away)."
"How'd you get there? Did you catch the wrong bus?"
"Yes, well no. I met K's sister and her friend at the bus stop, and they were going to K's house and I thought I'd just go and say hi."

Long pause from me.

"OK, can you catch a bus home now? Be home for dinner please."
"K"

At 6:30pm, He-who-has-no-Nickname phoned him.
Apparently, they were having pizza. HWHNN spoke to K, who assured him that she knew the bus timetable, and would organise Dreamer to the bus stop.

At 10:30pm, HWHNN phoned again. I was asleep by then.
"We can't come and get you, please get a bus and come home."

What Dreamer didn't tell his Dad then, was that he'd just missed the last bus. All he heard was the tone of 'you got yourself into this, so you get yourself out of it'. He didn't dare say anything. So, he began to walk home.

At 12:30am, I answered the phone.
"I'm lost. Can you come and get me please?"

After I'd worked out where he was, and picked him up, praying that I wasn't over the limit from a few glasses of wine, we talked on the way home. He'd thought if he just kept walking, he'd eventually get home. He was tired from lack of sleep on Friday night, from walking for an hour and a half, in boots that hurt his feet, with a backpack full of library books. He'd come to an intersection, and had no idea which way to head for home. He was ready to curl up on the footpath and fall asleep.

Big lesson learnt about the danger of missing the last bus, but he was safe, and I'm sure that every teen misses the bus at least once. What am I worried about?

He said the next morning, with a grin, "I'd had caffeine, and I just got spontaneous." No, that's not so bad, either. That's a matter of teaching him that if he's going to be spontaneous, he has to phone and let us know.

What I'm really worried about is that he doesn't know what he's doing, socially.

Inviting himself to a girl's house, just dropping by uninvited on a Saturday afternoon? Not a brilliant idea, but not disastrous. Staying for seven hours, staying for dinner? I hope he gets away with that one. He could either be thought rude for overstaying his welcome, or, K could think she's found a boyfriend.

Dreamer really doesn't have a clue. He already has another girl inviting him out fairly regularly. They are all just friends with common interests, right? Spending an afternoon and evening at a friend's house, eating pizza and playing card games is just that.

Or is it? Are we heading into the murky depths of teenage relationships?

I've got no idea. No idea what Dreamer is thinking. Which means that 'social stories' may have just jumped to a whole new level of complexity.

I previously assumed that the whole bunch of them were as naive as each other, which is why they hung out together. I'm not sure any more.

Help, I think they're growing up.